I don’t trust folks who want me to be calm before I feel safe.

I've spent much of my life appearing calm, pleasing and appeasing, and feeling powerless. When well-meaning folks encouraged me to take deep breaths with long slow exhales, I dutifully went along as best I could even when it was difficult to breathe.

The calm they promised almost never arrived, and the experience often reinforced what I already knew — I could survive their good intentions like everything else, by going along and doing what was expected even though I didn't feel safe.

What looked like calm was actually dissociation.

We humans require some level of safety before our nervous systems allow us to be at ease. A long exhale is a beautiful thing when there's enough safety to sink into the experience of calm. Without safety, however, trying to be calm is putting the cart before the horse.

Feeling at ease often comes after a primal roar or powerfully saying what needed to be said.

Sinking into the safety and comfort of our strength often comes from harnessing and using our aggression.

Experiencing calm often requires us to first move into and through our more activated and powerful fight/flight physiology.

I can’t recall ever taking a deep breath that successfully resulted in me feeling calm without the addition of other resources that helped me feel safe first.

However, I've come to appreciate how my lungs naturally expand after I’ve escaped to safety and the spontaneous sigh of relief that flows easy after I’ve neutralized a threat.

Perhaps there’s a shortcut, and we can breathe our way to safety. Maybe I wasn't trying hard enough or doing it incorrectly. In my experience, my nervous system didn't need slow easy breaths, I needed to feel strong in order to feel safe, and those powerful transformative breaths were quick and forceful inhales and exhales.

How we breath can be an amazing resource for our nervous system AND it’s important to honor what kind of breathing is required for the situation. Prioritizing deep breaths with long exhales may be helpful in some contexts and unhelpful in others.

It's hard to describe, but there's an earned sense of safety that comes from doing what needed to be done and saying what needed to be said. Before I achieved this sense of safety, deep breaths felt forced. However, from a place of safety, deep breaths came more naturally. I could breathe easily once my body trusted that I was able to defend and protect myself.

Each person's journey is unique and there are many ways to be human. I'm offering my experience as an alternative to what, for me at least, was an unhelpful focus that prioritized calm over safety.

I'm always grateful to learn from your experience and I welcome your thoughts and insights.

-Brian